On November 9, 2016, the day after the election, my husband passed away unexpectedly. We still don’t know what happened. It could have been a complication from the major car accident he was in where he shattered his hip and broke his leg in May. He seemed to be recovering well, but maybe he wasn’t. It could have been complications from pneumonia, but the case he had this year was far less serious than the one he had last year. He had asthma, so pneumonia wasn’t as unusual as it is for some. It could have been a lot of things. We’re still waiting on the final report to find out. He was 50 years old, and no one saw it coming.
I have not blogged or worked on Planner Junkie magazine since. I dropped out of Nanowrimo because as soon as I opened a blank page I knew I had nothing to say. What was there to say? How could I write fiction when my life had become so very surreal? It was all our 8-year-old daughter and I could do to make it through each day, with the help of my two older children. I had no energy left for creativity.
We made it through his wake and memorial, just barely. We got through Thanksgiving a couple of weeks later, and then Christmas last weekend. It’s not so much that it’s easier or seems more real, I still feel like he’s going to call me or text me at work all the time. I still think of things to tell him, jokes he’d find funny, stories about my day that I would have told him, and then remember that he’s not here to tell. Our daughter still dissolves into tears a couple of nights a week because of the unfairness of it all.
It’s not getting easier to live without him, but it is getting easier to get through the day most days. We get up, go to school and work, eat dinner. We shopped for Christmas. We don’t leave the house much if we don’t absolutely have to yet, but we can make it through most days without looking like the walking wounded.
Now it’s time to make some decisions about this blog and Planner Junkie. I enjoyed working on both. I had put out two issues of Planner Junkie, and had plans for the next few issues. I couldn’t handle working on it, or anything much, in November, but assumed I would pick it back up in December with a Holiday/New Year issue. That became a New Year/Goal Setting issue for January when I realized that I couldn’t make it through Christmas and work on the magazine both. I just don’t have enough energy for that. So I put it off and over the last week I’ve considered working on it almost daily. But I don’t know yet if I will.
Right now, I’m trying to figure out where life goes from here, and what it includes. I’m 43 and I’m a widow. I never expected that word to apply to me, but certainly not this soon. I never expected my daughter would have to grow up without the father she adores. He had his issues, but we both loved him.
So as for writing and blogging, I’m not sure if Planner Junkie will continue. I’m fairly certain this blog will. When I know, so will you.
Right now, I’m just looking forward to 2017 being a better year for all of us. Because 2016? To say it sucked doesn’t even begin to cover it.